Monday, February 26, 2007

How to Blackmail the Queen

The first thing you will need, if you plan to blackmail the Queen, is some footage or photographs of Her Majesty or HRH, Phil the Greek in an embarrassing moment. Once you have obtained your salacious material you will need to inform Her Maj that you have it, and of the terms on which you are prepared to suppress publication in the tabloids.

Unless you are a personal friend of the Queen’s, you must not write to the Queen direct. Your blackmail note should be addressed to “The Private Secretary to Her Majesty the Queen”. Personal friends of the Queen would also be well advised to follow this procedure if they wish to protect their identities from later disclosure.

Wherever the word “she” or “her” would appear in ordinary correspondence, the phrase “Her Majesty” should be substituted. For example:

To: The Private Secretary to Her Majesty the Queen

Dear Sir,

Could you please direct Her Majesty’s attention to the enclosed photographs. They comprise a selection of stills from a video recording of Her Majesty in a situation that could cause Her Majesty great public embarassment if published in The Sun or The Daily Mirror.

I have already received expressions of interest from the editors of both publications, however as a loyal subject of Her Majesty, I feel that it is only proper that I give Her Majesty first refusal on this material.

Also enclosed in this envelope you will find a key for a public locker at Euston Station. If Her Majesty arranges for one of Her Majesty’s staff to place a plain black canvas carryall, containing 200,000 euros in used, non-sequential notes, the original videotape will be forwarded to Her Majesty by following mail.

Please inform Her Majesty that Her Majesty has one week from the posting of this letter before I accept the best offer I can get from Fleet Street.

I remain her Majesty’s most Obedient Servant,
Mr X

Similarly, when blackmailing other members of the Royal Family, one does not write to the Prince, Princess or Duke direct – one writes to the Equerry, Private Secretary or Lady in Waiting of the particular member of the Royal Family. If you are not sure which of these alternatives is applicable, a letter addressed, for example, to “The Private Secretary to His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales” is most appropriate.

If your demands for money are not met, you will have little choice but to sell on the embarrassing material to the tabloid press for whatever you can get. However, all is not lost – an opportunity to make a little more on top of that still exists. We’ll cover that in “How to Blackmail the Private Secretary to Her Majesty the Queen”.


meika said...

that should read

Obedient Subject

not servant, unless you are actually in her pay (whicd would make sense from the point of view of acquiring aforelysaid aforementioned salacious material)

Gummo Trotsky said...

Oh bum!

OTOH, if you're a mere Subject, and not one of the Servants, casting a little suspicion in the direction of the Buck House staff with a deliberate slip might be a smart move.

GoAwayPlease said...

The Buck House Staff are beyond blackmail.
The appalling behaviour of the lot of them over decades is well-documented.
Try: Living with the queen, Malcolm J Barker and Timothy Sobey, originally published Canada 1990, published Australia 1993 by Bookman paperback.
Drunken bashings and rape quite commonplace, theft of Her maj's belongings; hoodlum children of staff running amok -it's a Great Read, loaned to me by Copperwitch

Anonymous said...

Trotsky, you are so going to be on the Database when they introduce the it's-not-really -an-I
D-Card Australia card.

Cast Iron Balcony